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How to please your Goddess

How to please your Goddess

Dear half of population – men, also popularly called brothers amongst us – I hope this finds you well. During four years of heaven and hell with my wife (oops, Devi), I have come to learn about many secrets on how this complex Divine being functions, and I have decided to share some timeless wisdom with you.

Dear another half of population – women, also popularly called Goddesses, Devis, Shaktis – on behalf of first half of population, I ask for your forgiveness and understanding for us, men – primitive life forms. It is not our fault. God created us like that. For any user experience issues, please speak directly to Him, and show us Your mercy.

Before I proceed any further, let me thank my Gurudev who said one very encouraging thing for our first anniversary:

“You really need to be brave to be married. You see that even I am not that brave.”

In the spirit of this, let us all come together, join our powers, and try to survive another day. At the end of the day, that is the only thing we can do. Rest depends solely on Her.

In the continuation of this blog post, I will share with you my realisation of how Devi’s day should look like – so hopefully, you or your children don’t make the same mistakes.

Waking up
Devi doesn’t wake up when she needs. She wakes up when she wants. Trying to use force or sense here simply doesn’t work. Don’t even try to subtly use alarm clock, because it will end up flying through the window or being flushed down the toilet.

Only thing you can do is to ensure that she has comfortable start of the day. My suggestion is to prepare coffee and breakfast so it’s waiting ready in the kitchen when she wakes up. This can sometimes be 11am, or even later. You never know.

If by any chance you can’t make sure this will be ready, start preparing yourself physically, mentally and emotionally for the most amazing massage you will give her as a compensation.

Now, morning is always the crucial moment because it determines your future – not only this particular day, but very possibly, your whole life. If either one of the things mentioned above is doable for you, you should be safe. However, there is no guarantee. Ever. She has Her own will, and reports to Herself only. She can wake up in Her ugra (fierce) form without any obvious reason, so keep that in mind.

However, there is also a third possibility. If you did something stupid in her dream, this is a “run for your life” situation. Unfortunately you will not know if you did something stupid in Her dream until She wakes up, so you also need to be prepared for that. To prevent unfortunate situation like that from happening, it is best that you have Her picture on the altar and ideally chant 1000 names of Devi even before She wakes up. Give your best to please Her in Her spiritual body. Offer some prasadam.

Understand Devi – Part 1
You don’t need to be scared of your Devi. You just need to have high tolerance for… everything. Devi is most vulnerable in the morning, as Her bodily, mental and emotional functions are still in the process of powering up.

By helping her adjust for this low, earthly realm, you are doing great service – not only to yourself, but to whole humanity. Please understand. Devi has many forms. She can assume form of Durga, Lakshmi or Saraswati. She can help you fight all your demons; she can grant you infinite wealth; she can give you all knowledge. But even the name “Durga” means “the one difficult to approach”. Which means for you, that you can’t get her blessings that easily.

We, men, are simplistic beings. There are only few boxes in our brain – and the most important one is the empty box, in which we like to dwell as much as possible. This is the box where nothing is happening. Most productive activity happening in the empty box is changing TV channels or scrolling on Facebook. We can’t expect from ourselves to change forms, grant knowledge, wealth or wisdom. Devi is more sophisticated being. Let’s appreciate that.

Morning – Afternoon
Assuming you have survived waking up process, you are just about to start new milestone of your day (life). When Devi is eating, make sure to clean the bedroom and with perfect precision arrange sleeping place for Her. This simple task can save your life in the evening.

Never cook the same food more than once in a week, because She is above that. She will just get bored, and usually you don’t want that. Ideally, you should not even ask Her what She wants to eat – you should just know it. Best thing you can do for yourself is to use your free time to learn the art of mind-reading. It will save you so much trouble!

Make sure that She has enough liquids throughout the day. She should not waste Her own energy to get up from the throne (literally any place where She sits) in order to satisfy survival instincts and needs. She doesn’t have time for that. Keep in mind, She is the Goddess. That is a very busy job. Entire universe depends on Her. Right?

Understand Devi – Part 2
Ancient Hindu scripture say:

“Women are by nature more virtous than men.
– Manu smriti

“Soma-deva has blessed women with personal purity; the Gandharvas have given them pure speech; Agni-deva has allowed to them the privilege of eating any kind of food without restrictions. Women are therefore without faults.”
– Brihat Samhita

Do you still think that we are bosses in the house? Do you think that our Devis are fooled by that? Haha. No. They just enjoy keeping us in ignorance.

It is the fault of men that we feel inferior while even considering the fact that women may be the bosses. But that is alright. It is normal. Woman is Shakti – creative force of the universe. They create, ignite, give birth. This is their role. Why would we feel inferior by accepting this fact?

Until men start giving birth, better not to even go into discussion about superiority (with silent hope that Devis also forget about it). Let’s be humble and grateful for what we have.

Evening – Night
If you have done well throughout the day, and saved yourself from potential trouble by perfecting the bedroom – evenings are usually easiest to handle.

After light dinner you have prepared (same rules as for lunch apply), it is the time to slowly, carefully approach the Goddess and ask how was Her day. Make sure to start by asking what have you done wrong so you can improve for tomorrow.

When the time comes for Devi to close Her eyes, make sure that Her fragrant lavender eye pillow is waiting for Her so she doesn’t spend even a moment of Her precious time looking for it. Also, only sound which is allowed to be heard is soothing sound of some bird – if you have them in surrounding. Don’t even think about snoring unless you want to be expelled from the house and sleep under the Moon.

The next day
If you woke up, and have all body parts intact – it means you did well yesterday. Now is the time to repeat it.

These seemingly easy steps (even though hard as hell to perform) of proper interaction with Goddess are just the beginning. Consider them to be very fortunate case scenario.

Understand Devi – Part 3
Devis are always naturally in the mood of serving the world. They are always here to give, regardless of their forms. They are ready to forget about themselves in order to uplift others.

Even though in Hindu tradition, consorts of Trimurti, Divine Trinity of Creator, Sustainer and Destroyer, are considered to be their servants, their names are always placed first. This extends even further, to avatars of God. We have Lakshmi Narayan; Radha Krishna; Sita Ram – not the other way around.

As much as this may be silent indicator, that out of respect, Lords are putting their consorts name first, there is also other side of the story.

Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva were initially without their Shaktis. Shakti as a creative force was always existing in the universe, otherwise creation could not happen at all. However, these three guys said that they were lonely, unfulfilled and incomplete without their Shakti! Only then, out of Her mercy, She manifested Herself for each of them.

It is a curious thing – or maybe sad – but the truth is that women can survive without men. But men cannot survive without women.

These days of the month
We all know about bloody days of the month… This is the scariest part of our life. This is the only time during whole existence when traditional laws of physics, psychology and physiology don’t apply. At all. It seems that this is the part of creation that just went wrong and nobody knows how to repair it now. It is too late. Why, father Brahma, why?

This is the time of the month when nobody knows what happens. There is no guaranteed way how to safely go through that period. It is just grace if we survive. Because no mortal can withstand without God’s grace the presence of Devi in her real ugra form!

In this time period, in addition to all steps mentioned above, you should try to exist in completely silent and invisible way. Of course, while performing everything mentioned above. Walk like you are on the needles, try not to breathe at all – or learn how to be fish – and ask J.K.Rowling where to get cloak of invisibility.

If anything goes wrong
If you remember well, everything that I mentioned above is very fortunate case scenario. Which means that at some point in time, something may go wrong – and probably will.

When this happens, remember one secret remedy, which has potential to nullify any stupidity you may have done. Forget about all the gods, because they can’t help you (remember, they sometimes struggle with their own consorts) – and just start chanting your new holy mantra: “I am sorry.” Ideally chant it 1000 times. Already after 108 times you should notice some improvement, but if it doesn’t happen, just continue up to 1000 – or add few more zeros.

It really doesn’t matter if you actually are guilty or not; or if you know what you did wrong or not – just chant. Be humble, look at her feet, and… just chant.

In case even that doesn’t work, it means you did something really stupid and that you may resort to your last chance of staying alive. Get gold. Depending on heaviness of stupidity you have done, you can save yourself with just a ring or necklace, or you may need to rob a jewellery store. Offering gold to Goddess is considered a powerful remedy even in the scriptures!

Even the strongest have failed
Nobody in this universe is perfect. Well, except your Devi, obviously. So if you ever fail at some task, it is not the end of the world. Actually, it may be for you, but then you will not be reading this. If you are reading it, it means you are still alive and you deserve another chance.

We improve and give our best every day. This is only thing we can show to our Devi. Anything beyond that is just Her grace.

Remember, even Shiva, omnipresent, omniscient and immortal God of destruction failed to understand women. He just gave up at some point. Fortunate is this guy. He can just go to his meditation whenever he wants and Devi must comply – sometimes…

Whole soap opera with Shiva and many forms of his wife is pretty confusing, so I am not trying to demystify it. What I know is that his Shakti ate him up once (story of Devi Dhumavati). I don’t know how he managed to stay alive after that and still wants to be immortal, but… Just imagine that power, man. All glories to him, but I don’t know if I would like to be in his place.

But if even Lord Shiva failed to understand women – and he had a lot of time – I don’t know how much hope there is for us…

Respect (verb, not noun)
Respect is something everybody is looking for, yet, many have failed to show it to others. In front of God, all humans are created as equals. If God thinks that way – as He claims in all religions – how can we give power to ourselves to think differently.

All fights between people, especially partners in marriage, are most often caused by lack of respect. A basic human need.

Nobody is perfect in this world and everybody can make a mistake. Don’t hold grudge. Apologise.

Once while going to the public toilet, I noticed a very accurate navigation: “men to the left, because women are always right”.

Well, my brothers, that’s the truth of life. We can accept it or fight it. It is what it is. Just remember one thing: saying sorry to your Devi doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong. And it makes Her more willing to show you some mercy – and to bless you with all the strength, wealth, wisdom and love you are able to receive.

(Picture on the left)
Action – angry Devi; Reaction – run for your life

(Picture on the right)
Action – happy Devi; Reaction – life is good, be grateful

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